Though I've chosen my path I keep a rope tied tightly around my waist. Lowering further and further down like a rock climber descending from the top of a mountain, so careful nor to lose hold of my safety line. Trying desperately not to lose hold on world above. In my heart I wonder if that's wrong of me, holding onto a way out like that. Not laying it all on the line. But I'm all ready laying my heart on the line, shouldn't that be enough? That's the only thing your laying on the line.
Why when It's you Its good enough,
But when It's me It's not?
Why when it's you its perfect,
And when it's me it's flawed?
Why are you so great when I'm so small?
I'm part of your world.
Bending myself, trying to fit in.
Some days I feel it's a lost cause.
There's no way to win.
You say what you want,
Feeling your words should have no consequences at all.
Your the king of your little world,
And I'm sitting below you oh so small.
But that's not always how it is, your not always like that at all. Sometimes your so sweet, sometimes your so amazing. You try so hard. You try to make me happy, you try to make things better. But how much bad can you take when you don't understand it? how much of that can you handle? So I understand that you can't always be perfect. The same way I can't always be perfect. I need to remember deep down inside that your heart should be enough. And my heart is all that I should care about. Our hearts are all that I should care about. Nothing else should matter. What If by holding onto the world above I miss out on the most amazing world below. The world the most amazing person is leading me to?
-----so conflicted--------
Why when It's you Its good enough,
But when It's me It's not?
Why when it's you its perfect,
And when it's me it's flawed?
Why are you so great when I'm so small?
I'm part of your world.
Bending myself, trying to fit in.
Some days I feel it's a lost cause.
There's no way to win.
You say what you want,
Feeling your words should have no consequences at all.
Your the king of your little world,
And I'm sitting below you oh so small.
But that's not always how it is, your not always like that at all. Sometimes your so sweet, sometimes your so amazing. You try so hard. You try to make me happy, you try to make things better. But how much bad can you take when you don't understand it? how much of that can you handle? So I understand that you can't always be perfect. The same way I can't always be perfect. I need to remember deep down inside that your heart should be enough. And my heart is all that I should care about. Our hearts are all that I should care about. Nothing else should matter. What If by holding onto the world above I miss out on the most amazing world below. The world the most amazing person is leading me to?
-----so conflicted--------
LIFE
In a world full of possibilities, when your choices are endless and your imagination is limitless you have the hole world in your hands. Your young and on top just waiting for the right path to run down. One comes along and feels right. You jump in with everything putting it all on the line. You fall back out broken and destroyed and build yourself back up. Once again at the top of the world you look for the right path. The right line to send yourself veering down not able to see the end of the path. Not knowing if you'll make it out okay. Your going down the path you know your falling from the top. Falling to the bottom. Your just hoping and praying that your falling for all the right things. Bending for love not being being bent by a lie. Falling freely not being drug down. But how do you ever really know for sure just whats pulling you down? Even if its coming from inside, whats the driving force pushing you through this path? When your on top gravity cant touch you. Your beyond all reaches. But as soon as you let something grab hold of you and lead you down the path you let go of it all. Your no longer on top. In a world full of possibilities, when your choices are endless and you imagination limitless why are we so quick to give it all up? Why are we so quick to test the paths? Why are we so eager to reach the bottom? The rock bottom?
The World Were Living InMe being the internet addict that I am, I find myself in some pretty strange places looking at some pretty strange things. Today I got on /b/ just looking to troll around for a little bit and that is exactly what I got to do. Not long after getting on the page I came across a thread of a girl with low self esteem. It was sad because she was posting naked pictures of herself for everybody on there to see not thinking anything of it. About half way down the post somebody found her facebook and started posting the pictures on her facebook for all her friends and family to see and started posting her facebook on /b/ for all of the perverts in the world to contact this ignorant young girl. Shes only 16 years old and already she has screwed her life up so bad. These distasteful unattractive photographs are now going to fallow this girl for the rest of her life. What is wrong with this world that makes us think its okay to post that kind of thing in that kind of place? Was she really so young and nieve that she didn't understand what was going to happen? And the people on the sight were so unconcerned with what they were doing to this poor girl the things they were saying too her and about her. The way they so carelessly did something they should have been able to know will fallow this girl for the rest of her life. This 16 year old girl so young and nieve. Its so sad what this world is coming to. Its so sad what this world already is.
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Inevitability ...
Not all things can be stopped.
Some things happen, for the better or for the worse, no matter what you do to try to stop them.
Not all battles can be won.
Your fighting your way up hill in the rain and your troops are highly out numbered.
There is nothing in your power you can do.
You fight for as long as you can fight but you cant fight forever.
You will lose eventually.
Remember that with every last painful breath.
No matter how hard you fight you will never win.
The cause you are fighting for will never come out on top.
There is no hope. There is no cause.
The loss of your battle is inevitable.
You WILL LOSE.
No matter what you do.
This pain is for nothing and if you refuse to give up this pain is never ending.
You can never escape it.
They already won.
Some things happen, for the better or for the worse, no matter what you do to try to stop them.
Not all battles can be won.
Your fighting your way up hill in the rain and your troops are highly out numbered.
There is nothing in your power you can do.
You fight for as long as you can fight but you cant fight forever.
You will lose eventually.
Remember that with every last painful breath.
No matter how hard you fight you will never win.
The cause you are fighting for will never come out on top.
There is no hope. There is no cause.
The loss of your battle is inevitable.
You WILL LOSE.
No matter what you do.
This pain is for nothing and if you refuse to give up this pain is never ending.
You can never escape it.
They already won.
Some days I can handle. Some days I just can’t.
There’s a pressure in my head. There’s a pressure in my heart.
It’s building over time. It’s begging to get out.
I’m about to scream. I’m about to just freak out.
Because some days I can handle and some days I just can’t
So much going on I’m about to just break down
So much going on I’m about to just freak out
When there’s a pressure in my head and there’s a pressure in my heart
It needs a way to escape a way to get its self out
There’s a pressure in my head. There’s a pressure in my heart.
It’s building over time. It’s begging to get out.
I’m about to scream. I’m about to just freak out.
Because some days I can handle and some days I just can’t
So much going on I’m about to just break down
So much going on I’m about to just freak out
When there’s a pressure in my head and there’s a pressure in my heart
It needs a way to escape a way to get its self out
apocalyptic
This is my apocalyptic creation. hands reaching out of darkness dripping with blood. maybe there reaching out for help maybe there reaching out to hurt. but only they would no and only there hands are captured in time. so now its for you to decide. in this apocalyptic mess are these hands of survivors reaching out grasping for anything left that resembles humanity and sanity or are these hand reaching after you reaching to hurt you to spill more blood. hands that have lost all humanity and are now dragging you deeper and deeper into this apocalyptic mess?
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Monstrosity
If I told you that i had a clue what this was then i would be lying. some tell me the ball on top looks like a globe some tell me that the lines of purple and white sticking out look like tentacles. Ive been told that it looks like a sea monster, a flower, and many other things. If i said i had I new what it was now i would be lying and if i said i new what it was wile i was making it i would be lying. its both a creation and an abomination. its a success and a disaster both at once. it is my monstrosity.
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when things begin to regress, go back to how they once were, back to there animalistic state. when things begin to regress. survival of the fittest kicks back in. things go back to who they once were. we are no different then the cats and dogs. just another animal fighting for life. killing for food and screwing not for pleasure and publicity but to continue the race. when things regress. back to an animalistic state. back to the earth we go. giving up our lavish lifestyles and basic comforts. sleeping under anything that will keep us dry huddling next to your group for warmth. back to nature we go. just another animal. no different then any other. just living to survive. there is no passion and there are no dreams. just the urge to live. just the need to survive. when things begin to regress. back to the way they once were. back to the animalist state. back to what was. when things begin to regress. only then should you forget how lucky you are to have what you have.
Change
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2/4/2011
I am beginning to see myself grow up and change. I am realizing that I'm no longer a child. Still not an adult I am lost at the age of 17. The lines between what is right and what is best are more blurred then ever. Things that once seamed so simple are becoming so much more complex. Growing older is supposed to make you grow wiser but I don't feel like I have grown at all. I am still a 7 year old little girl having a tea party with her stuffed animals, but then again we all know thats not true. One minute I am an adult. The next I am nothing but a child. You want me to learn and grow. Take things into my own hands. At the same time you are holding me back. At the same time you wont let me. I am growing older but not growing any wiser. I am lost somewhere in between the stages of my life and I'm not sure how to find my way to clarity. One day so easy. The next so hard. Not sure if I'm progressing or regressing. But with these four images i am frozen in time. A sleep deprived 17 year old girl forever. laying awake at night wondering why the world is the way it is. Moving on through the day pretending to understand. But here i am frozen in time. Frozen in the middle of my transition. I don't look like a child, but then again its obvious I'm no adult. |
>.< i have the urge to rant and rave.
i have the urge to troll bash and hate. I have the urge to do to you exactly what you do to me I have the urge to not only disagree with you but shove my thoughts and ideals down your throat making the same completely invalid point time and time again until you cant take it any more and just when your about to break ill change my point. and shove that down you throat as well i have the urge to do to you exactly what it id you do to me. every day of my life i have the urge to rant and rave i have the urge to troll bash and hate i have the urge to do to you exactly what you do to me but guess what unlike you i have an ounce of self control i wont get in your face i wont TRY to offend you i wont argue every word you say weather you believe me or not. weather i believe me or not I WONT SHOVE MY POINT DOWN YOUR THROAT TIME AND TIME AGAIN UNTIL YOU CHOKE ON IT UNTIL IT BLOCKS OFF YOUR AIR WAYS AND YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO JUST TAKE IT TO JUST ACCEPT IT im not going to do that. i have the urge to do that but im not going to do that. instead >.< im going to take that idea and im going to share it with only the people who want it only with the people who read it And if your still reading at this point, then you are one of them thank you and please never shove your ideals down my throat. i get enough of that >.< (sorry for my complete disregard for capital letters and proper punctuation) |
On the way to visit my grandfather in the hospital, we passed an airport.
It was dark outside so the runway lights were on and bright. I saw a plane coming in. It was so massive and so beautiful. I couldn't help but to dream that I was on it. I couldn't help but to dream that I was flying it. I shed just a single tear as my mind began to wander. To a time when I was seeing a pill pushing shrink. A time that I took a stand, a stand for myself. I was sitting his his office for the last time ever. He has put me on medication about a month before but it was not helping. He told me that I was depressed and this would make me better. This would make me acceptable. I told him he was crazy. I told him that I was stopping the medication. I told him that I didn't want to change to be accepted. I told him I didn't want to change for anything. He told me that I was throwing my life away, that I was throwing my dream away. I told him that I didn't need him and I didn't need his pills to reach my dreams. He told me that if I walked out that door then I could never come back. He told me that when I saw that he was right he wouldn't help me. I told him that I would ever want to come back. he told me that by walking out that door I would be hurting know one but myself. He was only half right. By walking out that door I hurt know one. I may be depressed and I may need help. But I need nothing from that man. That man helps know one. All he ever did to me was make me feel like who I was wasn't good enough. and you wanna no what? HE WAS RIGHT! but just because I'm not good enough, just because I'm not perfect. It doesn't mean that I need someone like him trying to "fix me". I looked back up at the plane and it was about to touch down. I looked for just a second then had to look away. Deep down inside I new that he has been right. I had thrown my dream away. But thats alright. Someday I may be better for it. signed sincerely, The girl who will never learn to fly. |
Every night
When I cry myself to sleep I tell myself Over and over That its not my fault That its not me That I'm ok Well guess what Every night When I cry myself to sleep I lie to myself I lie Because it is my fault It is me And I'm NOT okay I am NOT okay I will NEVER be okay Its all my fault I guess I'm just not good enough I guess I'm just not perfect I guess no matter what I do I will never be perfect But why can't I accept that? Why do i still try so hard? And why does it still hurt so bad? I'm not perfect And it's killing me. |
Today I go back
To the day I swore I would never return to I try so hard not to remember The things I will never be able to forget You face and your touch Never leaving my mind I think of you less and less as time goes on But… I still think of you from time to time The way you broke me The way you broke my heart my sole and everything else in me The way you made me feel like I wasn’t good enough I would never be good enough again I try so hard to do nothing more than forget I know I will never forgive But then again It doesn’t seem that I will ever even for get Yet I try so hard I try to repress every though I have of you Every feeling I have for you Every memory every touch I try to forget I try to move on But you make it so hard Time and time again you break my heart Without even touching it It was so long ago that you first broke me Yet I am still breaking over you Not even beginning to heal I’m going back in my mind The first time I was in your arms To the last time I was in your arms To every time in between I’m going back to the time you left me To the time you crushed me To the time you did it all over again I’m going back to a time I never wanted to go to the first time I’m going back and I’m hating every minute of it |
I know she hurt you
And I know your not okay I know it will take time to heal But Know you will find away Someday when its done and over After your heart has time to heal You will find out that I do love you You will find out that MY love is real I know she broke your heart And I know your not okay But I know you will get getter I know you will find a way Your heart can only be broken for so long Everything heals with time You can only be alone for so long Soon enough you'll be mine I know that your heart is broken I know your not okay I know that it will take a wile But I k now that you will be okay Just let me be the one to stand beside you Just let me be the one to help you heal I know you hurt for now I know how you feel Just trust 3 words and know there true Just trust 3 words I love you |